A dear friend came to visit a couple of weeks ago. While he was here we shared many enjoyable conversations, eventually landing on the topic of marriage. He asked why it is that my marriage seems to work so well. He admitted to being a bit dumbfounded. In fact, he said that my marriage was the best marriage he had ever witnessed. He belongs to a community in which the sexes often seem to be at war and as a result divorce is common.
I answered as best I could, citing mutual respect, sacrifice, humility, and prayer, among other things. I gave credit where credit is due and told him that we base our marriage on the teachings of the Church and we beg our Lord, the saints and the angels for guidance and protection. He seemed satisfied with my answers–though I know we have very different spiritual perspectives–and we moved on to other things.
I’ve thought a lot about our conversation since then. The topic is dear to my heart because I hope that if my children are called to marriage that they too will have happy marriages. I often wonder what I can do to facilitate that. In many ways, the years leading up to marriage and the choices we make before walking down the aisle are equally–if not more–important than our actions after we say, “I Do.”
The careful selection of a spouse is imperative to the success of a marriage. This would first involve discernment of one’s vocation and then, assuming that one is in fact called to a married state of life, the identification of the one whom God has selected for you. It helps if you know what to look for, of course. And here again we are blessed to have the guidance of our Church.
In meditating on these things it occurred to me that the modern day rejection of submissiveness is largely to blame for the many struggling and failed marriages we see today. I suspect that, for women, the near extinction of submissiveness is not only damaging within a marriage but in many ways it inhibits the wise selection of a husband. Woman today are taught they should never rely on their husbands for anything and should never defer to him on any point. What effect does that mindset have on the selection of a spouse? A deadly one, I’m guessing. No longer do many women feel the need to ask themselves questions such as:
- Do I trust this man enough to defer to him?
- Does he truly try to love me as Christ so loves his Church?
- Do I hold this man in high enough esteem to be obedient to him?
- Do I believe that he will always strive to do the best for me and our children?
- Do I feel safe enough with him to submit to him?
Imagine the clarity that would result if a woman asked herself these questions when discerning whether this man could be her future husband. Imagine the fruits these questions would bear in her future marriage. She could be as confident as one can reasonably be that she had chosen a spouse that would stick by her side through good times and bad, remain faithful, and provide for and protect her and their children. This woman could also feel safe enough to defer to him on issues close to her heart trusting that he had prayerfully considered her opinions, her desires, and the needs of those entrusted to his care. She would feel confident enough in his love to allow him to embrace his role as head of the family thus cooperating with God in fulfilling his plan for family life.
Unfortunately, society has largely rejected the idea of submissiveness. In fact, it mocks it. It wouldn’t surprise me if it never occurs to many young women to ask themselves these questions. They would probably be offended by such a suggestion. Many focus instead on income, sex, and status and as a result marriages suffer.
I try to remember these things on the days when being meek is challenging for me (which would be most of my days). I remind myself that my little girls are watching every move I make. I hope they will learn the value of submissiveness and view it as a beautiful gift given out of love rather than an attempt to oppress women. I also pray they will ask themselves whether a man is truly seeking to be Christ-like and thus is worthy of this gift before choosing to take that man for her husband.
We are often told that submissiveness is akin to enslavement but the very opposite is true. By being subordinate to our husbands we are being obedient to God, the primary source of freedom. Consider Mary, the ultimate example of a holy wife and mother. Mary chose to accept the authority of Joseph, who she knew to be a devout and trustworthy man. In doing so she was made free to live out her vocation as the Mother of God in cooperation with our Lord. If a woman has prayerfully and wisely selected a spouse who shares in her desire to emulate the Holy Family than she can rest peacefully with the knowledge that God will guide and bless their family. In encouraging our daughters to embrace submissiveness we are helping them to accomplish two of the most important things they can do in life: to select a spouse worthy of them and to be spouses worth having.
Mrs. Beguiles, that was just beautiful! Such great advice… I’ll be keeping this close to me during these years of discernment. God bless you!
Well said.
That was some great insight! Thank you!
I really appreciate this post so much. I’ve often cringed, and watch other women cringe, when hearing this particular message from Paul at Mass. It’s a big pill to swallow, particularly when you are a single woman in a “sex and the city” world. It’s hard to imagine that a man worthy of my submissiveness could possibly exist in our world.
And I believed exactly that until I met me the man who is my husband now. I’m so happy to be able to answer yes to all of your questions. I pray that all of our girls and women will have the joy of being able to do the same. I also pray that all of our boys will have the example of Christ-like husbands to imitate.
One question I have for you is, since you have been married for longer than I am, Is it ever hard for you to let go of your will and keep your mouth shut when your husband does something differently than you would do it? This is something I have been struggling with since my marriage began.
Thanks for your post and any advice you have is welcome!
God Bless.
I have had many an argument with my more “liberal” friends about this message.
I have not yet learned the grace and words yet to explain it properly and have them understand. I also don’t know if some of them are ready to listen to this message in all its beauty yet. I know I struggled with it myself at times.
However, as my understanding of it has grown, so has my marriage. And while it’s painful to watch our modern world twist and dirty this message, I’m still glad to learn (and re-learn!) its meaning and importance in my new marriage every day.
Thank you for sharing this with those of us who don’t always have the words to defend what the Bible calls us to do.
Very interesting post BB! I have to say that I completely agree with you, I think that choosing wisely is probably the #1 factor in the success of a marriage.
I tend to think of submissiveness as showing respect, courtesy, and admiration for my husband.
Excellent post.
Thanks, ladies. You guys are too sweet.
Oh, and to answer your question, fumblingtowardgrace, YES! LOL! It gets less difficult over time but it’s never easy. I think I’ll write a longer post about this very thing soon. :)
Wonderful post. I couldn’t agree with you more and I have to say that my marriage got a lot better when I started taking this advice to heart, although I still regress to my old ways at times. It is so true about your children watching you. I was amazed at how many times my children would look to me after my husband would say something to them. That was a huge wake-up call! Hopefully it is not too late for the older ones.
Thank you for so eloquently posting this important information.
God Bless!
Great post, excellent advice, and a wise perspective.
Wonderful words that have given me much to think and pray about. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thanks for this, Betty. A beautiful tribute to the sacrament and the reality of marriage.
Wonderful post! But we need to in caring for women and raising daughters heed the whole message. A man who intimidates, threaten, or abuse their wives and girlfriend are not loving in the image of Christ and so are not deserving of obedience.
We are a church, not a cult. I seek to help victims of abuse know that they deserve to be loved and valued as the beloved children of God they are.
Thank you for a beautiful post, and great reminder of what God’s intention for marriage is.
As a side note, my husband and I reqested that the passage you quoted be read at our wedding. You would be surprised (or not) to know that some people expressed surprise at this choice.
As a guy, may I just say that this quality is one of the most charming, most beautiful, most wonderful qualities in a Godly woman. It is the source of the real, power that a good woman has over the imagination, the heart, the dreams of a God-fearing man. A woman like this is worth all the self-sacrifice that a man is called to. In fact, she invests it with meaning, because of her character. Because her faith in her husband is a mirror of the faith a Christian has in Christ. Without that, the beauty, the sacramental grace visible to the community, is dimmed or goes out. A woman like this lights up the life of her husband, her family, her community. She models the Christian life, by the way she lives the mystery of the Trinity within her married life. It is in this way that she manifests a particular feminine genius, a sign to the world that she is a woman truly made in the image of God. Believe me, this is beautiful to us Catholic men. We would live for, even die for, a woman like that, and gladly.
Warren
I’ve never commented before, but wanted to take a moment to thank you for this post, which is very encouraging!
I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Ruth
http://besttoddler.com
MashaAllah (gift of God)! What a great post! I really find it so beautiful how God created women and men differently, and find tremendous grace in his bestowing on us women the gift (yes, gift) of submission to our husbands. After living the greater part of my young life as one of the liberals you spoke of ("dont rely on your husband for anything", etc.), I have found the deepest joy in trusting my husband to make decisions for our life, in trusting him to always follow the guidance of God when making these choices, and to always keep our well-being and overall happiness in the forefront of his mind. Thank you so much for posting this, and I hope the greater world, Catholic, Muslim and otherwise can learn to apply this beautiful principle of submission and protection to their marriages. It would certainly save many a family.
I've asked myself those questions with men that I've met, and invariably the answer is "no." There are very few good men in the world who have a good and respectful understanding of this doctrine. For many it is an excuse to be controlling and selfish. There are two sides to this issue, and one side always gets ignored.
I did not ask myself those questions when I got married. I married a man who was 9 years older than me, who was greater in the intelligence part, lesser in the heart. God has loved us both into submission, and we have been fruitfully married for 28 years. I am passing this on to my daughters, so they ask the right questions before they get married. Thank you for this post. (And the fashion advice, shopping is lots of fun with my girls now.)