Submitting to Submissiveness

In the comment section of the first post in this series, “fumblingtowardgrace” asked me whether it is “ever hard for me to let go of my will and keep my mouth shut when my husband does something differently than I would do it?” And the answer to that is a resounding YES! In fact, a dear friend of mine mentioned that she had read that comment and it had made her laugh out loud. Thanks a lot! No, I kid. She’s absolutely right.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I am a convert to Christianity. I was raised in a very liberal household where the idea of a wife submitting to her husband was anathema. I won’t go into detail but suffice it to say, this was not an attitude that was instilled in me in my youth and it has been a challenging one for me to adopt.

Several things conspired to change my thinking on this issue. First and foremost, the teachings of my faith compelled me to examine this issue further. I realize that many women of faith come to different conclusions regarding submissiveness and I can only speak to my own. After much prayer and study, I felt that I was being called to step aside and let my husband be the spiritual head of our household which I believe requires my being able to defer to his will from time to time. This does not mean that I never speak up, that we never discuss and debate issues, or that I am a passive member of this union (and I hope it goes without saying that no woman should ever tolerate any form of abuse that puts herself or her children in danger.) It simply means that when push comes to shove, when we have reached an insurmountable impasse, that I step aside and let my husband lead as I believe God intends him to.

In addition to gaining that spiritual insight, I began to see that our arguments, my determination to be in control, and my need to have the last word, were threatening to damage our marriage. I had to take a hard look at whether my behavior was inhibiting my husband from assuming his God-given role as spiritual head of our household. I also had to acknowledge how very prideful I can be. Why was I so certain that if I didn’t control every aspect of our family life that disaster would follow? Did I not trust my husband more than that? Was I so sure that my judgment was infallible? The conclusions I came to forced me to make changes in my behavior that stretched and challenged me greatly. I am a prideful creature and I abhor letting go of the reins and letting someone else have the final say. I’m blessed though to have a wise, respectful and caring husband who I trust implicitly. That doesn’t mean that I never balk or that we never fight. As I mentioned, being submissive does not come naturally to me but I feel certain that this is what God is asking of me and so I continue to try to do His will as best I can.

Mr. Beguiles and I have developed a pretty good system for solving our disagreements. I’ll be completely honest, given my fiery temper, we occasionally have words first, but after the storm has passed and tempers have calmed, we try to stick to a three step place that has proven to work quite well.


1. We start by simply taking the time to calmly discuss the issue. He listens to my opinion and I to his and we try to reach a resolution that way. Most of the time we are successful, but not always.

2. If open debate fails to yield a resolution, we try to determine who feels the most strongly about the issue at hand. Is it something that matters quite a bit to one of us but not so much to the other? If so, though we may still disagree, the person who feels less strongly about the issue at hand usually doesn’t mind stepping aside, in which case, we have our resolution.

3. It is when we still can’t find a suitable solution after the previous two steps that I feel called to trust my husband and allow him to make a final decision. It’s never easy for me, but with practice and prayer, I will say it has become less difficult over time.


In the event that I find it necessary to defer to my husband, I always make sure to place the difficult situation into the merciful hands of our Lord and ask him to guide my husband and bring the issue to a peaceful conclusion. And He does. Every. Single. Time. That doesn’t mean that He informs my husband that he is wrong and I am right (at least not every time -- wink) but He always sorts things out for us. Sometimes I realize that I wasn’t seeing clearly and that my husband was correct all along. Occasionally, my husband, given time to prayerfully consider the situation, decides that I was right in my thinking. Often, God sorts it out in His own wonderfully mysterious way, bringing about a resolution that neither of us had considered. After all, ultimately God is in control. He never abandons us. He only asks that we trust Him and are faithful to Him. And we can trust Him.

So, no, submissiveness is not easy for me. I’m not very good at it, actually. But I feel certain that it is what God is asking of me and so I keep trying and I keep praying. As difficult as it may be in the moment, I feel such peace as a result of my decision to allow my husband to lead our family. I ask the Lord to help me to be a faithful, trusting wife, to bless my husband with wisdom, and to guide and protect our family. And then I just try to get out of the way so He can do His holy work.


(Related posts: The Marrying Kind, Receptivity)


Head on over to Works-For-Me Wednesday at We Are THAT Family to find a treasure trove of helpful advice! Thank you for being such a lovely hostess, Kristen!