I remember the day my priest mercifully informed me that the honeymoon stage of my marriage would inevitably come to an end at some point. I didn’t believe him, of course, but neither did I forget. He didn’t divulge this information to discourage me but rather I imagine he hoped to save me the confusion and frustration of encountering this harsh reality unexpectedly.
My husband and I started our romance off with a bang. It was one of those love-at-first-sight relationships that I didn’t truly believe existed until I found myself in the midst of one. The sparks flew and I saw stars. It was all very cliché…and extraordinary. This phase lasted for many years until one day it cooled just the tiniest bit.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to panicking at first. Was this the end of our Great Romance? Was our passion simply too much to be sustainable over the long term? Had we come to the end of the road already? Were the rest of our years destined to resemble a brother/sister-type relationship?
Given that we were less than five years into our marriage, one could fairly assume that I have a penchant for the melodramatic.
Thankfully, the words of my wise priest returned to me in time and I realized that what we were experiencing was natural and had been endured by countless couples before us. In addition, I came to understand that it was most likely temporary and that there were things that could be done to reignite that spark that I treasured so dearly.
The ever-insightful Holly Pierlot writes in her magnificent book, A Mother’s Rule of Life
“In marriage, the reality of our sacramental love is often obscure — something that goes deeper than we can sense or consciously grasp. Just as God’s most intense actions in our souls are hidden, purely spiritual, and so not picked up by our intellects or emotions, so, too, the periodic lack of satisfaction in marriage can often lead us to think there’s no love.
But the difficulties and dryness of these phases aren’t meant to be the end. In God’s plan, there’s meant to be a resurrection for every crucifixion. When the more selfish love between Philip and me seemed to have died, we began to experience the subtleties of a purer, more selfless love and the realization that to love each other is a primary task of our vocation.”
When the natural, exciting and easy phase of our new love was gone we learned that this marriage thing was going to require work. It was going to require tending to and nurturing. It wasn’t always going to come easy and was actually going to involve quite a bit of suffering — and I am grateful for every last bit of it.
The early love was blissful but not strong, fun but lacked depth, and true but untested. Many peaks and valleys have come and gone since those early, carefree years and each one has refined and strengthened us.
Nonetheless, I don’t think we’re meant to simply sit back and do nothing when the dry times come. I think we ought to accept them and all the grace that comes with them but also fight against any currents that threaten to separate us.
Now that I’ve been through a few of these cooling phases I have a pretty good working plan that I immediately put into action when I feel one coming on. The work we put into our marriage during those phases when we’d rather go to bed than have a romantic date night or when we’d prefer to hide behind our computers rather than spend time communicating is our way of cooperating with God’s grace.
Here are a few things that have helped me in the past when I’ve found myself experiencing a touch of romantic apathy:
II relive those heavenly early days. I don’t mean that my husband and I actually reenact them, though that can be fun, too. No, I mean close my eyes and conjure up every last detail of that first moment I fell in love with him. I call to mind what I saw and felt when I first spotted him. I recall what he said, and what I said in return. I meditate on all those precious details that enveloped and intoxicated me.II
I spend some time reading the love letters he wrote to me early on, I look at photos of the two of us that were taken at the beginning of our relationship, I take out the old souvenirs, and play our love songs on the stereo.
III
I try to do kind things for him. I write him love notes, bake his favorite desserts, buy him small tokens of my affection, etc. He feels the love and usually returns it. The great thing about expressions of love is that they seem to be contagious! Over time these small gestures add up and help us to reignite that mischievous spark that occasionally hides itself.
IV
I make sure there’s not a physical problem. Are my hormones balanced? Have I been getting enough sleep and eating correctly? It’s easy to mistake physical problems for relationship ills. Make an appointment with your doctor to confirm that there is no underlying physical cause.
V
I fake it until I make it. I don’t feel like getting dressed up to spend one on one time with my husband? Too bad. I do it anyway. Neglecting to spend private time together because we’re not in the mood has proven time and time again to only widen the chasm between us. I force myself to just go ahead and go even if I’m not in the mood. I usually get into it but even when I don’t, it’s never time wasted. If nothing we else, it ensures that we don’t fall out of the habit of making time for one another.
VI
I pray. This can be surprisingly difficult if you’re struggling with your relationship but it is absolutely essential. There is no stronger antidote to romantic apathy in the world.
These are but a few very simple, but surprisingly effective, things anyone can do to encourage those treasured romantic feelings to return. Even if it takes a bit of time, don’t despair! The work you are doing will help prepare you for any future struggles that may await you and that will surely pay enormous dividends over time.
I’d love to hear what you do to fight off romantic apathy. Let’s build up our arsenals, girls!
23 Comments
Beautiful post, and you offered some very, very helpful tips. Thank you!
One thing I do to fight romantic apathy is to stop blaming my husband for the lows. It's easy to assume that we've hit one of those tough valleys because our own needs aren't being met, but I try to stop looking inward so much and to see how I may have been contributing to the dearth of warm and fuzzy feelings. Have I been too self absorbed? Have I put my children's needs above my husband's? Have I not been disciplined about going to bed at a reasonable hour and therefore have been too exhausted to have any left to give? Then as you suggest I give of myself to him. Sometimes, though I'm a stubborn one, I place his needs above my own. And I never regret it. Kindness and selfless love cure so many forms of apathy.
We also schedule regular date nights to keep the romance alive. These are not elaborate dates. They almost always take place within the walls of our home with our children sleeping upstairs. But at least once a week we come together to talk and to share and to be together – even when we're tired or maybe think we'd rather get lost in a good book. Once we begin, once we start talking, we almost always find this is what we needed to rekindle the flame, so to speak.
I also had a wise friend tell me that as soon as our spouse comes home – whether we're in a peak or valley of our relationship – we should give them our love. We should welcome them, kiss them, and make them feel that they were missed and that they are loved. This helps to set a positive tone for the remainder of the evening.
It's funny how just the "doing" even when the feeling isn't at first behind it helps to fill your heart with those lovey-dovey feelings.
The Love Dare (the book) helped me a lot, too. My husband and I rarely fight and our marriage certainly isn't on the brink of despair; however, romantic apathy is something we still have to guard against. Practicing some of the exercises in the Love Dare proved to be a perfect antidote to feelings of indifference and selfishness.
I've prattled on long enough. Great post!
Excellent suggestions (as always), Kate! I especially love your advice to stop blaming our husbands for the lows. That is so very easy to do, isn't it? We should all get into the habit of doing regular examinations of wifely conscience, shouldn't we?
Thanks, pretty lady!
Swoon! I love this post! Would love to hear the story of how the Beguiles came to be!
Hint, hint!
Caitie linked this post and I love it too. You made it a whole 5 years without a dry spell? That's pretty good! I love the tips you gave.
Thanks Betty!
I've only been married 1.5 years, so I think we are still (mostly) in the honeymoon phase, though we have had some of those valleys you mention (namely sub-fertility).
I'm always so glad of your advice, I find it so helpful and down to earth!
Thanks, girls! You're peaches! Peaches, I tell you!
Caitie – have I really never told you how Dan and I met? That's a funny story…a bit embarrassing, but definitely funny.
Here's the short version: He was in a band. I thought he was cute. We went to a party in San Francisco and fell in luv.
Thank you so much for this post. I feel like I am often fighting to get the romance back, at least with what little energy my three little girls leave me. Having three small children is wonderful but it can make finding the romance in your marriage more challenging. Thanks so much for all the suggestions!
Argh. I just noticed my mental gaffe. I meant to write: "Sometimes, though, I'm a stubborn one, and I really have to work at placing his needs above my own. And I never regret it."
You're the peachiest peach of all, Betty. I always enjoy your writing and your perspective on marriage, fashion, etc. Hope you're feeling well.
Beautiful post. Have you read A Severe Mercy by Sheldon van Auken? He and his wife had that "love at first sight" passion that lasted for years – I couldn't relate to it but it was quite stunning to read. His insights into the later stages of their marriage through their conversion and her sickness and death. You should read it. It's beautiful!
What a great post! So sweet!
(Abigail B)
Yay! I love you when you write articles like these. We are in year 5 of our marriage and with the children, the military and all the changes, we have definitely had our ups and downs…but then again, it's mostly me and my "stressbomb" tendencies which result from LACK OF SLEEP. Baby #3 is going to suffer, b/c I can't nurse him/her all night long until 18 months..b/c I get migraines due to lack of sleep (finally figured that out after 4.5 years). I love your advice and will start putting it into practice.
During our marriage prep the couple presenting told this funny story conveying this idea of "dryness". The woman called it the "Oh crap, Jim's home" feeling. She knew things needed tweeking when she started having that feeling when her husband walked in the door. She knew it was time to work on things so she then could say, "Yipee!! Jim's home". I have used this as my gage to recognize when a dry spell was approaching and then I do what I can to turn up the romantic heat. And in this house that usually means simple things…making his lunch, making him coffee, just simple I love you's in lots of little ways!! Thanks for the post!!
Lisa
Oh my gosh, I'm dying to know what you were wearing that night.. I know you're much too young for this, but I'm picturing it very 80's and that your husband was playing that song, "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger! LOL
Found you through Ann's blog and I LOVE your thoughts! The prayer is essential and you are so right about it being hard to do during those times!
We have a group blog devoted to this sort of thing if you are interested in getting more ideas
(Our husband's love it!) http://www.addingzest.net
I absolutely, totally, wholeheartedly agree with your steps for remedial relationship work!!
I use most of these tricks regularly…
Not that I'm frequently out of the mood… it's just that we're busy and it's hot here and yadda yadda…
good advice.
thanks for sharing it!
amy in peru
Oh – thankyou everyone for your comments and Betty B for this amazing post. This past 6 months has been so torturous for me and hubby, induced by this very problem. Thankyou for your encouragement and suggestions – you have no idea how very badly I needed to read this ! Love to you all.
thank you so much for this post! my DH and I just had our first big fight in the 5 years we've been married, and we had no idea how we got here. We finally came up with a plan to try something new once a month with eachother, (more often if we can afford it) like a new resturaunt, or a play or something like that, and we are hoping that this will give us new and exciting things to talk about.
A good solid forgvieness prayer really helps. Take the time to let go of all the little hurts and wounds of the relationship, and don't let yourself off the hook until you're sure that you have nothing but love elft for your spouse (ie if you picture him coming home from work you're ready to just go hug him and there's nothing else to get in the way of that)
I forgive my husband for any hurts, for all the wounds to our relationship. I release my husband from bondage, and make peace between us today. I have only love for him–etc.
Oh yes, wonderful advice. I agree that so much of it comes down to the effort you put into it. Going that extra mile, like dressing up for a night out with the hubby even when you're tired means a lot to men and will go a long way.
I know this is an older post, but I just have to say how much I enjoyed the wisdom you shared! I'm not married, or even in a relationship, but I what you said applied to our "divine romance" with God! Keep up the good work!
p.s. if you have a minute, stop by my new blog! http://opening-words.blogspot.com/
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!! We've been married for 26 years all very happy – OK, there was that one week — just kidding.
I love all of your helpful ways and the helpful comments others have provided.
When I'm feeling dry or am upset, the Paul Overstreet song plays in my mind — Even when it don't feel like it, it's still love! — it really helps!!
Susie Q, what a great idea! My husband and I had a long-distance relationship most of our dating time, then started our family almost right after we were married… so we really haven't had the opportunity to try "new" stuff together. I like the idea, though & think it will be great for us, too — thanks for sharing. And Betty — love the article!!
What a great post! I have used these methods many times throughout my 15 year marriage and have given this advice to others but it was very timely for me to read this today since we are in a "dry spell" right now. Time to fet to work!