Hello people! My wife, Betty Beguiles, is in the kind of sweaty, oblivious stupor typical of a near-term pregnancy, so I thought I would use the opportunity to hijack her blog. It seems to me that a brief shift in perspective from the feminine to the masculine might be a real benefit around these parts, just to stir the pot a little. Either way, by the time she figures out what I’ve done it will be too late! Enjoy!
If you’re anything like me, you spend an alarming quantity of time visualizing what life would be like if your wife was dead. Of course I don’t want her to die, but the thought does at least waft across the mind on occasion. And if it were to happen, the untimely death of Mrs. Beguiles? Why, I’d be back on the streets, naturally, in search of a new young filly to take care of all the whelps and to prepare my meals. Only the new one wouldn’t give me so much back-talk, that’s for sure.
But what else would I require from a new bride? If I were to suddenly find myself cold and alone (perish the thought) what—all kidding aside—what would I look for in a new wife?
A Christian woman, a real, Big ‘C’ Catholic woman, must be modest, and that is one of the important attributes I would be on the look-out for on any wife hunt. Betty Beguiles—long may she live—has taught me (as she has taught so many of you) the value of modesty in a woman. I have to admit, though, that the best insight I have received on this topic has come not from Betty Beguiles posts, but from some of her tougher critics who make the occasional combox cameo. It’s those broads who really cut through the ambiguities of an already very sticky subject, and I have them and their “no nonsense” approach to Christian modesty to thank for the standards which I would bring to bear in any courtship that takes place after Betty kicks the bucket.
Therefore, for you ladies out there hungry for the fashion advice of a real man’s man, I’ve put together a sort of “wish list” of examples of modest dress, should I suddenly find myself the only survivor of a deadly couples-skate accident. So get your mice ready, female readers! Prepare to cut, paste and email the following solid gold “What I Want My New Wife To Look Like” checklist to everybody on your contact lists:
A 4-Step Checklist
Cover as much of your body as you can without cutting off your air supply. The burkas above are a good idea, but the problem is that if you wear one people will naturally mistake you for a Muslim. And we won’t be able to honeymoon in France, either. So, be creative: play around with it a little until you come up with a kind of Catho-burka. Try cutting some holes around the eye and nose areas, with maybe a zip-up flap for the mouth. I promise you: you show up at our first blind date at Starbucks dressed like that and this big daddy will be tearing up his dance card in a hurry!
2.
Lose the make-up. If you thought a little lipstick might be the right touch to impress me, think again. As a lover of true Christian modesty I can assure you that no vain tart slathered in parti-colored make-up ever turned my head. I want to see you the way you really are. No lies, no gimmicks. I’ll fall in love with that pasty white washed out mask of a face of yours just the way it is—that is, as much of it as will be visible from within your Catho-burka.
3.
Dye your hair brown or black. A real, Big ‘C’ Catholic chick ought to be an imitation of a 1st century Palestinian woman as much as possible—Mary was one, after all. Why aren’t you? Holy Scripture supports this idea—everybody in the Bible had brown or black hair. The only red-head was Esau, and you saw what happened to him.
4.
Start your own modesty blog. If Betty Beguiles can have one, why can’t you? And yours could be so much better! Let’s face it: you and I know that Betty has taken a fast ride down the slippery slope of scandalous fashion proposals on more than one occasion. What I’m doing here is giving you the chance to show her what a real modesty blog is all about. But be careful! It isn’t as easy as it looks! You’ll think: today I’ll do a post on the virtues of wearing potato sacks instead of clothing:
But clearly you aren’t paying close enough attention to the picture. Something about that blue and white-polka-dot garment made it impossible for Mr. Berenstain to keep his paws off the merchandise. So where do you draw the line? How do you maintain a modesty blog under these kinds of conditions?
Don’t fret. If it is sounding like too much pressure, then just do what so many other overly-scrupulous women do: spend your day trolling among other women’s blogs and websites in search of opportunities to criticize their content. Make sure you strike an authoritative tone so that the authors will suspect you were commissioned by the Vatican to find examples of immodesty and faithlessness on the internet, but at the same time pretend as if you only happened upon their site by accident or because a friend of a friend sent them the link: you want the authors to know that you would never be caught dead regularly reading their posts. Be condescending, make vague references to Church documents, and never, ever let anyone get the last word on a thread! Even if you write, “That’s it, I’m done here because there’s no arguing with a godless heathen prostitute” just know that she will try to win the day by calmly refuting your argument while staying open to the possibility of refining her own position. Don’t let it end there! Zing her right back with: “Well, if you just look at what Scripture says and what the Church has taught for two millennia then you would understand why you are a godless heathen prostitute!” There’s no come back to that!
Alright, so there you have it! Four simple, straightforward steps to making yourself worthy to be my next wife through attaining full-on Christian modesty. Not so hard, right? Plus, to help you keep it all straight, let me offer this guiding principle: Beauty Is Dangerous.
Honestly, I don’t know what God was thinking, putting so much of it in the world. If I had my way, food would be bland, so we wouldn’t have to worry about overeating; water would sting, so you could more easily resist the urge to luxuriate in it; and you women—God help us, you women—you would all be cuboid in shape and smell like newspaper. It’s not Catholic, I know. So?
*snort*
Oh, sorry. That was probably not a wifely noise I just made
Let me instead giggle silently behind my Catho-burka.
Betty's husband? You're a hoot
Nicely played, sir.
I haven't laughed so hard in days.
Why doesn't Dan have his own blog?
LOL! I admire your husbandly defense of your wife, sir. Well played!
Veiled women also never have bad hair days!
snickersnicker
You know now, of course, that there are those out there who are thinking that this blog is finally on the right track…
He's a great musician and singer AND he's hilarious. No wonder you married him, Betty!
Love this.
Very funny, and very well written, Mr. Lord.
However, I just want to suggest that perhaps, in light of the recent kerfuffle, this post will serve to perpetuate division and hard feelings, rather than mend fences. But, I can understand your desire to write such a post.
You are a true man, coming to the defense of your woman, and it's incredibly admirable! You are also incredibly funny. Laughter is the best medicine in the face of rude commenters.
Now, go give your wife a good foot rub and a big hug!
Awesome.
Giggling!
Well, you forgot the clincher in every modesty "discussion:"
WOULD THE BLESSED MOTHER WEAR THAT?
burn….
Guffaw! Absolutely hysterical. Thanks for putting a little perspective in place Mr. Beguiles!
Beautiful… simply beautiful! (and a great way to come to your wife's defense!)
God bless!!!!
Ummm…I am a regular Betty Beguiles reader, and yet I don't understand the inside-joke references… Was Mrs. Beguiles under attack here on her blog or elsewhere? Thanks–J.C.
Well, Mr. Beguiles,
It's easy to see how Mrs. Beguiles got herself charmed into marriage and five children with you!
I'm going to have to see if that potato sack dress comes in a "nursing mothers" edition.
Long live Mrs. Beguiles!
You are a genius and your wife is truly blessed. Go Mr. Lord!
Love it =)
absolutely wonderful post! you are a man among men! well played, sir, well played!
Y'all are too cute.
Thank you thank you thank you! I have been just dying for someone to take the "modesty" czars to task in such a sardonic fashion. Excellently done, sir.
I don't know if I should laugh or attack you with a super soaker filled with iced cold water.
Oh. My. Gosh. The Beguiles just became my favorite family ever! LOL!!!! I literally read this with my jaw dropped because I was so stunned at the effortless humor of Mr. B. I think I just made myself VP of the Dan Lord fan club. Amazing.
LOL Excellent post!
This is just.. so funny. Betty's husband: you're like my Dad, lol.
My Natalie Merchant modesty appreciates your immense sense of humor! Won't be trading that style for a Catho-burka any time soon, but it's good to know what Real Catholic Men (TM) look for
now this is funny- yep- catho-burkas are a great idea!
As a covered Muslim woman, I laughed my tuckus off at this post. Oh man…Catho-burka. that is just priceless!