This morning I woke up to the sun shining through my bedroom window. The day was beautiful–crisp and clear, as October days often are. A bird sang a sweet little song outside. I whistled a happy tune. All was well with the world.
I heard my darling children stirring in their beds and my mind turned to the lovely morning that awaited us. It was to be a morning full of gaiety, love and laughter. We might bake cookies, practice our sums, paint pictures or take a stroll down to the beach.
And then I heard it: The Scream. You know the one. It’s the one young girls use when some truly horrific fate has befallen them. I ran through a list of possibilities in my head. Had my daughter’s favorite stuffed animal, Pink Bear, been assaulted by a mischievous brother? Perhaps my girl had been attacked by a large flying insect? Could it be that we were already out of Cheerios?
No worries. I had my very best dress on and, as I always say: there’s nothing that a good dress can’t solve.
Friends, I’m afraid I was sorely mistaken–I now understand that there are things, things we really shouldn’t speak of, that even the most fetching frock can’t make better.
Like rodents.
Plural.
In my house.
There is not a dress in the entire world that possesses the power to lessen the horror of what I saw when I walked into my living room this morning.
But first, let me back up…
My friend, Jen, came to visit us last weekend. She is Baby Beguiles’ Godmother and had come into town for the baptism. On the last night of her visit we were sitting on the couch chatting when I saw a strange shadow on the ground behind her. My eyes widened in horror as the shadow moved across the floor and disappeared behind my desk. Jen, being used to having unwelcome guests in her house, bravely turned around and went to investigate. I, on the other hand, stood my ground on the armrest of the couch as I yelled for Mr. Beguiles to GET OUT OF BED! NOW!
We all conferred and came to the conclusion that some small critter had invaded our territory. My husband, feeling sure that I was exaggerating the size of said critter, settled on large mouse. I, on the other hand, was emphatic that never before in the history of man had there been a mouse of such size. We agreed to disagree and went to bed. (As an aside, you all should know that Jennifer Fulwiler may be the bravest woman I know because she decided to stay put and sleep on the couch in the same room that I spotted the mouse rat.)
Morning came and Jen mentioned casually that she thought she may have heard a squeaking under the couch. But then again, maybe she’d just dreamt it. Yes, surely that was it. She’s always had a vivid imagination, that one.
That night, after Jen had returned to Austin, Dan set a trap just in case that little huge mouse rat returned. Which he did. (And by the way, he was a rat.) Sadly (for the rat, not me) he couldn’t resist the lure of the peanut butter trap we’d set and is now living it up in Rat Heaven somewhere.
Dan had spent the previous day sealing up any and all holes and cracks he could find and the unwelcome rat had been caught and dealt with so that should have been the end of story, right?
Wrong.
The scream that had emanated from my daughter’s mouth was not the result of a four-year-old female’s histrionics. No, in fact, I’m surprised she didn’t scream louder (or faint) for what I found when I ventured out of my room was so awful that I hesitate to share it with you. What I found was a kitchen and a living room that were covered in rat blood and rat feces.
You read that right. They were covered in RAT BLOOD and RAT FECES.
I know this may shock you. After all, this is not the kind of material that one expects to find at BettyBeguiles.com, but this is also not something a woman can keep to herself. This is something a woman must share. Because I need you, dear friends. I need you to tell me that all will be okay again one day. Right now I have my doubts.
What had happened was that my husband had set out one last rat trap. Just in case, you see. Just in case. Surely no rat would be able to reenter Fort Beguiles but best to play it safe. And, sure enough, another rat had found his way into our house and into that trap. And then out of that trap. And all around my house. Bleeding and defecating as he went. I have never, ever seen anything so horrendous in my entire life. That is not an exaggeration.
I quickly corralled the children out of the house and into the car and down to Daylight Donuts. I left Mr. Beguiles at home to find the rat (oh, did I not mention that he’d gone missing?) and to clean up the mess.
God bless that man.
The only problem (ha! that’s funny.) is that upon finally discovering the whereabouts of the rat carcass Mr. Beguiles discovered something else. What did he discover, you ask? Well, friends, he discovered that my couches were infested with rats! They had been nesting in my furniture! Poor Jen had been sleeping on top of a rat nest! There are no words to explain how horrified I am by this. (Jen-just let me know if you are ever fall victim to the wrath of the “Poop-Fates” again. I’m your gal.)
I have no idea how these rats went sight unseen and unheard for so long. Or had they just recently moved in? Why my house? I keep it clean and orderly and inhospitable to rats! Why me? I’ve never done anything to them!
I don’t have the answers to these questions. All I know is that my living room furniture is sitting on the curb and I live in a rat house. I LIVE IN A RAT HOUSE. No, I am not at peace with this.And again: no, I was tragically mistaken—no dress ever created can possibly make this situation any better. ;)
Oh my… my toes have curled under and jumped up off the floor faster than you can say "eep!"
I live close to a slough, dairy and fields of miscelaneous crops (corn being the nearest field), so I should expect all manner of wildlife to make their way through the neighborhood… but the sight of a mouse or spider and I'm hiding my feet wondering how I'll ever get off of my chair and into bed safely.
I have no idea how to get the image you just described out of my head, but from my experience, if I can get the sight of that mouse/humongous spider out of my head I'm okay.
However, thank you… for reminding me that next time I set up for youth group, I need to be a big girl and check the couches. According to our pastor and his wife (a former youth pastor), youth room couches are notorious for housing 'visitors'…*shudder*
Ohhhhh no! How awful! We've had roach problems, which are bad enough, but rats? Ugh! They make cute pets, but they're not so cute when they nest in your furniture uninvited and poop and bleed on everything.
Aaaack!! Eeeeek!! Bleaugh!!
God bless your husband, God bless Jen, God bless your helpless dress….and…God do something else to your worthless landlord!
It happens to everyone but no one talks about it. While your story beats anything I could even imagine, I had a 'little mouse' die in my son's bedroom wall a week before Christmas when we were to host a family of five (and two more) over the holidays. I salute your courage in speaking of this publicly. And if you have no furniture that makes it harder for anything to hide. Bright side.
I pity the woman who comes to this post via search for "dress gaiety laughter."
Also, I myself do NOT keep my house clean and orderly, and this post makes me want to throw away everything as a preemptive strike.
I'm so, so sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope you get some good suggestions for how to rid your house of the menace. My suggestion is something like "eeek fly for the hills!" but I know that's not super-useful.
Oh I thought the poop fates event was bad; but this is just horrific. I wish I could send you a new couch! I love the way you are able to write about it with humor. I'm not sure I could manage such aplomb.
In the words of a friend, "Oh.my.stinkin'.word!" I have to admit. We have a rat problem too but in our garage. We USED to keep our overstock in there because sadly my house doesn't have a pantry. No more. Rats have gotten in our garage and got into everything that wasn't sealed in plastic and even got into the bird seed bin which was in a plastic bin. They are clever little rodents.
Now I am all paranoid that they might be taking up residence in my house if they somehow found a way in. I don't know if I will sleep tonight. Eee gads!
And I thought my day [yesterday] was wild because my Creative Writing students spotted [and swiftly killed among gasps and fleeing] the largest spider I've ever seen in my life. Boy, was I one-upped and then some by you!
And yes, I didn't expect to read this here, but I enjoyed every unnerving paragraph of it.
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry Hallie! We have had rat problems in our attic, but I'm not sure how I would react if I found out they'd been residing in my living room! And the mess…oh my!
I'll think of you when I'm tempted to complain about the smell I keep whiffing which is likely from a dead rat in the attic…
Wow! I mean wow. I am so sorry. As the others mentioned I love that you have shared this and you are at least able to find some humor in it all. I am wishing the best to you and your family!
Thank you for making me laugh today. This beats every unwelcome guest story I've ever had – from mice to the snake on top of the fridge to the frogs climbing in through my daughters' bedroom window. Not sure I'll ever be the same again…and I only read the story, not lived it…
Oh, I'm sooo sorry, Hallie! I'm happy that Jen wasn't traumatized, but you and your family have been. OMG. I don't know if I could stand it. I'm glad you got rid of the sofa!
GROSS!!
Praise God for husbands! I'll happily take sole responsibility for pregnancy, child birth and breastfeeding if my dear other half has to deal with all the dead, bleeding rodents in our lives. Go Mr. Beguiles!
Oh, Hallie, that's absolutely horrible. I've dealt with my share of mice, but nothing like that. I thought I was traumatized the morning I finally discovered, after being finally SURE I had smelled something amiss, that under my living room sofa were several mice, one of which had been chewed in half by some others. I then went on to discover more under the fridge, all over the basement, in the cupboards, etc. Of course, it was a temp house while we waited for our new house to be completed, but I had another year or so there. The smell did subside, the couch did leave (they were in that, too)… and I was able to move on, but not for at least a few weeks. Or maybe a few months… and I'm sure I had a few 'minor' cryfest breakdowns.
I vote that we have a benefit for Hallie. What do you say, cherished readers? At least get the poor girl a new couch! Oh, but only AFTER Mr. Dan is quite, quite sure that the house is encased in spray foam or some such to prevent any future invaders. ;)
ugh…rats….we are having possums problems (outside) here
Oh my gosh.
Right after I read this, my husband told me there is a mouse in his office at work. I am now convinced rats are everywhere.
Oh, Hallie.
Craigslist? Freecycle?
I think you could style this up nicely. Maybe redo your living room in an I Dream of Jeanie theme? Lots of pillows on the floor?
How awful! I can relate. In our first house (a brand new construction in the DEEP SOUTH-you know how that goes) we were just going to bed when I heard a distinct "squeak!" coming from somewhere in my room. I looked up in alarm and watched as a HUGE rat scuttered into my closet. My nice, big, clean, shiny walk in closet. Turns out, this rat had been hiding around my laundry hamper. As far as he was concerned, it was his home. My husband is awesome. He yelled, grabbed a shovel and went to town. That night we stayed in a motel.
Your story is worse. Far, far worse. Consider praying to St. Martin de Porres. He talked to animals. Maybe he can work something out?
I now feel the need to investigate my furniture. I'm so sorry you endured that. I would have been a mess myself. And rats pay no heed to cleanliness, I've been told.
Can you get a cat? A mama cat? Because those will take care of rats of all sizes. Oh how awful for you! I spent a summer working in a rat-infested barn (someone stole our barn cat that year) and thinking about that summer still gives me the willies. But I got pretty good with a shovel…
Oh oh oh!!! I'm normally a lurker here but peeping out to share in the collective Oh My Goodness!!!
Oh. My. Goodness.
You poor, poor thing.
You story did make me laugh though. And I needed a laugh today even though my house is not infested with rats (just screaming, cranky kids; sometimes I wish there was something hideous like rat blood and feces that explained my 18 month-old's shrieking, but maybe not. This sounds like something out of a horror movie).
Hang in there, my friend!
Oh, Hallie! I know that paranoia. I promise–this too shall pass!
Oh you poor girl. I am totally freaking out on your behalf. Can you deliver rat remains to your rat-fink of a landlord? Might make him more sympathetic to your plight.
The image of your kitchen has scarred me for life… LOL!
But I have to put a plug in for the Rat Zapper… saved us the messy clean up. It literally electrocutes the buggers and then you just dump them into the trash. They aren't expensive… maybe $40 apiece?
Best of luck and many prayers!!
:)
Oh goodness… what a hilarious story.
craigslist a couch! You never know how cheap you might find one.
Just had to chime in on this one and tell you MY dear husband once told me *I* was only seeing a mouse on our patio. It was a giant, and I mean GIANT, rat. I was grateful he actually got to see it. And trap it. And eventually kill it. Ne'er will he doubt my visual spatial skills regarding rodents again!!! Our first baby was only a week old. We moved into an apartment…in a brand new complex…on the second floor…the following week. Sorry, but a new mama just has to sleep. If it makes you feel any better, I have to clean up Gecko poop at our house every morning. But, at least they kill the giant-flying-Hawaiian Cockroaches. :s
I would not have stepped back in the house, job or no job. You are a brave woman and made of stronger stuff that I, Mrs. Beguiles. Rats were my one hesitation about moving to a wetter climate. Mice are bad enough. We live on five acres in the West and are always dealing with mice in the house. We had it sort of under control when we had a house cat, but she disappeared and I did not not want to deal with another litter box. Space is a precious commodity in the house and we could never seem to find a convenient/baby proof place for the litter box.
Holy mackerel. That's just … awful. Just awful. Just awful. You should put a paypal button for a new couch fund.
I'm the only person thinking "poor rat"?
My word verification, by the way, is "ferliked."
As for couches, I think the universe delivers free couches as needed. So don't be afraid to ask for one.
Ohhhh! I can't imagine! We get mice in the cooler months, but I just can't imagine…
Freenapkin.com always has free couches- great resource!!!
Oh my word! I have only just found your blog recently and I don't think I've ever commented, but you have my most sincere and undying sympathy. I found a couple of mice in our apartment years ago and I could barely function. I can't imagine the horror! Honestly, my first thought was to send you an IKEA gift card to buy new furniture….unfortunately my bank account won't allow that! You have my prayers. And I'm hugely impressed that were able to put that all into words. I'd be under heavy sedatives!
I was reading this out-loud to my daughter, and we were both screaming at the top of our lungs for at least half the time!!! I am so, so sorry for you!
I vote for several large cats! A terrier or two?
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy … I feel like sending you ten sympathy cards and a truckload of poison. I'm so sorry! Arrgh. Prayers for you and dagger eyes for the rats ….
Yikes! And I have dealt with snakes and mice and that was quite enough thankyou. This is beyond me. Praying for speedy relief from the invasion of the rats and that life can go back to the tranquility that life is and isn't but always must be moreso when it is rodent free.
Oh my. (I can't think of anything intelligent to say to such a story!) I'm so sorry, dear.
Oh goodness… I read this yesterday and am still too traumatized for words. Bless your heart!
I share your pain. We had a major rat infestation. The rats even started coming out and staring at us while we watched tv in the evening. One night they crawled on our dining room table and pulled our plastic refrigerator dish off. It had cookies inside. They ate through the plastic and ate most of the cookies. I had a Critter Control Van parked in front of my house for two days. Our Critter Control guy set traps in our attic and caught over ten rats the first night. I'm a pretty clean person too! Our problem was that an old apartment building across the alley had been torn down. All the rats moved in with us.
Yeah, a friend found a dead cat in the couch that was left behind in the house she moved into. EW. I feel so sorry for you. I would have been freaking out and right now I'd be throwing that couch out and taking out the most poisonous substances allowed in households and cleaning like a mad woman. Feces are icky. RAT feces are worse…RAT BLOOD…EW!! Sigh. Let me know how you're doing!!
This is a horror too horrific to comprehend. All I can say is…God bless you and may your husband soon have such an abundance of work that you can thumb your nose at those rats and get new seating arrangements to replace the bean bag chairs!
Bless you for not including pictures!
I fear the day when our neighbours tear down their abandoned house… where will the rats go?? Not here, dear Lord! Please not here!!!
Get some used cat litter off any cat owners you know and sprinkle this liberally around suspected rodent entrances. Rats and mice will think "cat" and steer clear… hopefully…
Tea, honey. TEA.
OH wow! I can't even imagine what I'd do if I saw an infestation of RATS in my house! EEEK!!
Anonymous??? POOR RAT????? YES YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THINKING POOR RAT!!!!!!
GET A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness, I am hyperventilating and simultaneously cracking up over here!!! Thank you for sharing your misery and story! Oh my goodness!!!
That is just horrible…horrible!!! Horrible!!! I'm so sorry. But please do be careful about taking free couches and furniture from people and/or places you don't know. There is a serious bed bug epidemic in parts of the country, and many people trying to offload their infested furniture. A bed bug infestation would make you pine for the days when you just had rats. Seriously
~ A Concerned Reader
The skin on my arms is CRAWLING with HORROR. Thank God they didn't nibble on Jen!
I used to work as a home health aide after Hurricane Ike. Many of my clients were living in FEMA trailers. Tiny, tiny trailers.
I arrived at one trailer to find a big cage trap in the middle of the floor. The lady told me that she had been watching TV when she heard some crunching sounds in the kitchen. She thought it was her cat at the food bowl, but that cat was sitting next to her. She got up to investigate only to find a long tail disappearing into the lower cabinets.
Her son came over, but he couldn't find anything. His solution was to leave a trap and his mom alone in that trailer. (Don't ask me why he left his mom there on the edge of his property instead of bringing her into his home.) This went on for several days. The lady never saw the creature during the day, but she could hear it at night.
Anyway, to make a long story a little shorter – a possum had entered the house through a hole in a wall behind the cabinets and had nested in her couch.
It was in there every time I came for a visit and sat down with her.
Blegh.
Okay, y'all, I think we should all click on the yellow "Donate" button and contribute toward some new furniture. Who's with me?
I've heard that supposedly the problem with having rats infesting your house is that they chew on electrical wires and then the house burns down. Which seems more like a solution than a problem to me, you know?
But, maybe if you mention the fire danger to your landlord, he will get moving. Also, rats are a sanitation menace. Call your local health and welfare office and sic 'em on your landlord.
If your landlord won't handle the rat problem call the city or town building inspector and complain. He should come out and inspect, then issue a summons to the landlord instructing him to have them exterminated. If he doesn't you have a case for withholding your rent until he does. Good luck!
Oh Hallie, what a nightmare. I once confronted a dead mouse in my garage, but never a living rat. I did once live in a house with a mouse or some gnawing rodent in the walls, and it was very hard to sleep with that scritching right by my ear…
Praying that all sorts of homey blessings shower upon you.
For those of you who so generously brought up the subject of donations, I present this. :) Thanks!
Cats… Plural. This is what I suggest. I have 3 and have never seen a rat even in the yard. I think they put out an odor that says, "danger zone".
Thank you all so much for your many kind comments of support! You've truly lifted my spirits.
Oh, Hallie! I have a horrible rat story that involves a toilet, screaming rats dying in traps, and rat cannibalism, but your story beats mine.
I was icked out this morning when I came upon an upside-down-still-kicking-his-legs-dying-roach….this rodent in the couch ordeal has me making faces at my macbook. Hope you can purchase a new couch very soon!
You need to get a Rodar. My wife used it on Norway Rats she had on her farm in NC. Worked like a charm. It has a $ back guarantee.
http://www.microncorp.com/rodar/
Oh my. This definitely puts my solo mouse in perspective. I am so sorry. Nobody should have to discover something like that in their house. I will definitely be praying for God to deliver that brand spanking new couch.
Oh, Betty. Oh, oh, dear Betty. You have my condolences for the mess and the drama. I'm so happy I have cats. I try to convince myself that no mouse or rat or any type of rodent would dare make its home in mine. But my cats were adopted from shelters at 3 and 4 months old, and live completely indoors. I think they'd *play* with it rather than protect Mama. (Found your blog through Conversion Diary. I'll be sure to follow in Reader and on Twitter.)
I cannot imagine your plight, even with that detailed visual you provided and I certainly don't find it funny, ewww. I have such a rodent phobia after a mice/rat problem years ago in 2nd flr apt. in New Orleans. One nite I heard something rustling with tin foil in a basket on top of my refrigerater. When I realized it had to be a mouse I took one leap onto my dining table and screamed into the phone until a friend came over to help me pack a bag. I was so freaked out I could not sleep there. I stayed in a hotel for three nights while I implored my landlord to do something. My couches, window sills, counter tops were infested with mice feces. I could not figure out how they were getting in all of a sudden. Finally I traced every inch of that apt until I figured out it was under the dishwasher and the air conditioner return vent that was the only means of entry. Since my landlord just wanted to set traps, (which these city rats would just eat the bait and the trap would remain set)I bought wire mesh to keep them at bay and they ate thru it!!! My landlord's solution was to get heavy duty mesh wire to keep them out. It worked but it wasn't long before I moved out. UGH! The mere thought of rodents crawls my blood. Thank God I was single then. I can't imagine what I'd do if in your shoes with children around. I hope it all works out for you.
By all means, get on your landlord's case. Something along the lines of, "Do we need to call Animal Control?" ought to get his attention.
Schipperkes were bred to kill rats on Dutch barges. And many terriers native to the British Isles were bred for bloodsport — one terrier out to kill as many rats as s/he could, in a ring. Most of them weighed about 20-30 lbs, and were typically hyper, happy, scrappy, and yappy. Cairn terriers are especially bred to this purpose. Unlike other dogs bred for blood sport, the traits desirable in a ratting terrier are acceptable or even desirable in pets.
I have not experienced the rat-deterring effect of cat waste, but I find it credible.
The must be a common problem in our neck of the woods. We live just across the bay from the Beguiles family. I baked a birthday cake for my son last year and left it on the kitchen counter. We came down the next morning to find 1/3 of it missing and "cute" little footprints in the icing of the remaining cake
Call the attorney generals office and tell them the story. That LANDLORD should pay for the extermination and new furniture. That is a disgrace. I am sickened.
Anna mentioned about 30 comments ago to get a CAT. This is a great idea for many reasons. They not only go after rodents while YOU sleep, but they also love house flies, moths, butterflies, bedbugs, small to medium sized bats, squirrels, pesky birds, small dogs, hamsters, and anything else that walks, crawls, wriggles, or flies, except roaches. They just don't seem to like beetles much.
Get a 7 year old cat from a shelter that no one else wants and let him go to town on your furniture for a few days. You won't regret it.
Thank you for NOT showing pictures!
Dear Hallie,
You write so wonderfully and hilariously about something so horrible! A terrier makes a fine rat hunter; my Yorkie has earned his keep and all forgiveness for any accidents in the house for the quick and bloodless death of a roof rat in the house four years ago. Having witnessed his skill and efficiency as a ratter, we later pressed him into service at my niece's house when a rat had made a home in the kitchen cabinet while they were away on vacation. Upon discovering this unwelcome visitor while her dad was at work, she called my son, thinking him brave and manly enough to deal with it; he looked at me and asked, "Exactly what am I supposed to do?" I said, "Take the dog." So he did, and as the two teens curled up on the kitchen counter and gingerly reached down to open the cabinet, my bold and brave little terrier took one quick leap in, grabbed the rat, shook it dead and stood proudly by his trophy. Done.
Yes, indeed, it is not your unique horror — rats, mice and other wild things (possums–yuck!)are all around our dwellings trying to get in, instead of getting jobs and paying rent or mortgages like the rest of us. I am ALL for cats and dogs as furry companions and front-line warriors!
Is it absolutely horrible of me to be laughing as I read this horror story???? (And I do not exaggerate when I say "horror".)
You have a way with words, my dear!!
WOW!